What On Earth is Good Grief?
I want to go deeper into why I decided to call the grief journey good. You may be asking, “How can something so difficult be called good?”
That’s a valid question but I believe after a closer look at what good can mean, you might appreciate the wisdom in seeing grief as something that can be good.
Making Sense of the Word Good
For starters, I’m not talking about good grief in the way Charlie Brown uses it. When the phrase is used in the comic strip, it portrays a negative tone similar to phrases like “oh, come on!” or “are you kidding me” or “that sucks!”
The word good has a whole host of meanings. It does mean enjoyable, pleasant or interesting but much more.
Good grief is thorough grief.
Just like a piece of solid oak is good all the way through, grief that is good is deep and wide and touches every area of your life.
To call the grief journey good doesn’t mean that you minimize the pain and sorrow that you feel. Instead, it sees the bigger picture of grief as encompassing pain and sorrow but also joy, gratitude, and the finding of a new identity and purpose.
I look back over my grief journey and see the way it was thorough and healthy. I felt intense pain and sadness but with time and concentrated focus on my grief, I found a new purpose, learned to be comfortable with a new identity, and cherished the memories I could hold onto.
Good grief isn’t quick or easy but slow and a lot of hard work.
The good news is that you don’t have to grieve indefinitely — an idea shared by some but not the research. According to George Bonnano’s work in The Other Side of Sadness, people don’t need to languish in grieve indefinitely but can recover in a reasonable amount of time.
How is that possible? By a thoroughly good grief journey. Here are some reasons why thorough grief works.
Three Reasons Why Thorough Grief Works
1. It works because it touches all areas of our lives
Thorough grief goes to all the places of your mind, your heart, your body, and your experience. It touches the deeper parts — the regrets, disappointments, unresolved issues, memories, and everything in between.
Good grief supports the validation of one’s grief and the needed story telling to keep telling the story until the story doesn’t need to be told. If grief is shallow and not thorough, it’s kept from being expressed and the hurt stays within.
It may feel easier initially to rush through your grief and look for peace sooner that you should but it’s unwise if you want to heal and find yourself truly living again.
2. It works because it the medicine we need for healing to occur
It was William Cowper who said,
Grief is itself a medicine.
Grief expert Earl Grollman suggested,
Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.
The day after Vicky died, I started cycling. I did it to clear my head and knew that exercise could be helpful as part of my post-loss processing.
It wasn’t long before I realized a strange combination of sadness and joy coexisting on those rides. I started to feel ever so slightly some rays of hope shining into my broken heart and giving me ever so slightly the relief I so much needed.
Those rides were painful yet healing all at the same time. I realized it was good grief I was experiencing. My heart ached on those rides as felt the loss of my life partner but I would feel the warm sun on my face, see the setting sun, and enjoy the nature I was riding through.
3. It works because if you avoid it, you do so at your peril
It hurts to heal but if you don’t heal, the pain will persist or come out in other uninvited ways. Unprocessed grief causes many side effects that take a while to show up.
People will say “I’m fine” when they’re not. Sometimes it’s due to pride, ignorance, cultural values, or conditioning. Regardless of the reason, it hurts to ignore your grief.
Just a few of the perils you run the risk of experiencing if you ignore your grief:
Depression and anxiety
Weakened cardiovascular system
Weakened immune system that impedes the much needed strength to fight off disease and infection
Emergence of complicated or chronic grief with words like “I feel so stuck!”
Addictive behaviors. Examples: drug use (legal and illegal); alcohol consumption; out of control spending; overeating; over working.
Reoccurring illnesses
Decrease in workplace productivity
Unavailable emotionally
Difficulty bonding with others
Unhappiness and loss of self-respect
Aloof, passive, cold, controlling, coercive, cynical, suspicious, or angry
That’s quite a list! A list thorough grief will help you avoid!
Grieving well results in the ability to not only process our grief but to look forward to what’s possible once the healing has taken place.
Three Final Reminders to Experience Good Grief
1. Say “yes” to thorough grief
Your commitments shape your future.
Agree to lean into your grief. Go down into the mess of your grief so you find the eventual healing you desire.
Remember, you will experience pain and suffering while traveling down into your grief but if you grieve well, you will avoid long term and unnecessary pain.
2. Find rituals that facilitate ongoing grief
For me it was cycling. What will help keep your grief moving?
What do you enjoy that will provide the space to process and be a friend of your feelings? Coffee at a coffee shop? Walking by a stream? Yoga? Breathing deeply and frequently?
3. Learn and practice the grief cleanse
If this is a new concept for you, I have included my video lesson from my course for you to watch. Click here for a note taking guide.
The grief cleanse is a powerful process that can help you on your grief journey.
This process was very helpful for me during the early days of my grief journey. It gave the space and a voice to grief and raised my awareness of what was going on inside. I’m grateful to Christina Rasmussen for this idea in her book, Second Firsts.
Reflection Questions
As you reflect on your losses, how thorough has your grief been?
What stands out here that can help you embrace good grief?
