What Do You Do With Unwanted Circumstances?

How do you navigate life when unwanted circumstances crash in on you?

The way you answer that question make a noticeable difference. The right mindset before a storm hits can help when the storm hits. That became all too real in early 2020 when the news of Vicky’s cancer diagnosis hit like a hurricane on a relatively calm day.

This is my story of the mindset I choose to adopt and the journey I went on to navigate my unwanted circumstances. Your experience has or will be different but I believe that my story has some universal principles you can gleam some learning from.

A Mindset to Consider When Your Circumstances Get out of Control

1. See your circumstances as events that just happen

The modern day Stoic, Ryan Holiday puts it this way, “What happens is what happens. What matters is what we’re able to make of it.”

Something just happened the evening of March 24, 2020 that changed everything. The event that happened rocked our family’s world and set us on a course that ended in a most unexpected way.

March 24, 2020 was at the beginning days of Covid pandemic. Because of that, visitors to the hospital emergency had to be dropped off outside the hospital door and picked up later.

Vicky and I were there because of the relentless back pain Vicky was having. We hoped she could get some relief from her pain. After dropping her off, I drove away and waited for a text to come in so I would know when to pick her up.

After some time, a text I will never forget came in on my phone. It was news from Vicky saying the emergency doctor saw the CT scans she had taken earlier that week revealed kidney cancer. That was the first we heard the “C” word and I didn’t honestly believe it.

I sent back a text that read, “That’s harsh and a bit premature isn’t it?”

How could it be cancer? This was definitely unwanted news. I was shocked and rattled by this diagnosis and dismissed this doctor as someone unqualified to make that claim. Unfortunately, the next day our family doctor confirmed the diagnosis.

Now what? Is this fatal? Will she recover? If it’s terminal, how long do we have together? So many questions!

Cancer had just happened to us. What did I do with this happening?

The very next day I found myself sitting in a parking lot journaling my thoughts and feelings. Then I saw it. The bumper sticker that read, FU (and a pink cancer ribbon).

My first thought was, “I should send that to Vicky!” Then looked at what I was reading and changed my mind. It was the words of James the brother of Jesus who said,

When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives…don’t resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! — James 1:2-6

“When all kinds of trials…” did suggest that storms just happen. I now had to choose my response.

2. Focus on the response to your circumstances not the circumstances themselves

We don’t control what happens, we only control how we respond. — Stoic wisdom

In the car that day I sat at a crossroads. Would I get angry and allow resentment to take root because of how unfair my circumstances where? I had every right to feel angry and upset. This was unfair and unexpected.

There is definitely a time and a place to be angry. I was OK to be angry knowing it was an emotional reaction that’s natural when adversity and loss invades your life. What happened to me on that day was the awareness that swearing at my circumstances was not the road I wanted to travel.

Marcus Aurelius, a virtuous Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher lived by this wisdom,

A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it.

For me to accept cancer wasn’t me calling it good. Far from it. Cancer is a devastating disease that affects millions of people and is not how the world was designed to work. What I did choose to do was let the cancer be the fuel that I threw on the fire of love and faithfulness.

My response was to welcome this intruder into my life not as an enemy but as a teacher.

For some reason, Vicky got cancer. We’ll never know why her and it was devastating and world changing news.

It was, however, an event that just happened.

I couldn’t control the cancer but I could control my response.

I chose to put my energy into serving Vicky, being fully present for my family and friends, and in taking this journey one baby step at a time.

I cried and reflected on the life we had left together — not knowing how long we would have together. I cherished every second and focused my energy on being faithful and loving instead of hating the cancer.

3. Accept and reflect from time to time on your mortality

There’s a Latin phrase MOMENTO MORI that means, “Meditate on your Mortality.” Another way to say it: “You could leave life right now.”

How we think about the time we all still have helps us deal with the troubling events of loss that come into our lives. None of us will live on this earth forever. Our days are numbered and we don’t know that number.

As I witnessed Vicky move rapidly towards the end of her earthly life, I was reminded of my own mortality.

Her days on the earth were numbered and because of cancer, her number was cut much shorter than any of us thought. The reality was, it could have just as easily been me.

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Life is fragile and how we live today matters. It’s important to think about that from time to time and not just act as if you’ll live forever.

One final thought

One of the positive outcomes of the mindset I adopted was the space to savor every second I had with Vicky and those she cared about. Letting go of the hatred of cancer helped create that space.

I still smile when I think about what Vicky said to the care givers who would come to our bedroom and care for her. “Cam’s my favorite care giver!” I knew where she hurt and how to move her. I loved and cherished every moment we had together.

I felt a peace within and a calm resolve on the outside. My faith grew stronger and chose to live each day as if it were my last.

Reflection Questions

What circumstances are you dealing with that are unwanted and hard?

What belief about your circumstances are you holding on to?

What will be your response in your circumstances?