What is Grief Like?

Have you ever wondered if you were the only one feeling what you feel in your grief? I certainly did. I also hear repeatedly from those who are grieving, “Am I the only one feeling this way?”

In this post, I want to take a look at what grief is like so you can compare your experience to the experiences of others. Then you can realize that you aren’t alone in what you’re experiencing but in the company of others who are acquainted with grief similar reactions.

How many people are grieving? One US study found that 57% of people surveyed have experienced some major loss in the last three years. That looks like proof that you and I aren’t alone. Now let’s look at what grieving people experience.

Three Buckets Into Which Grief Experiences Can Be Placed

There is no right or wrong way to experience grief. It’s different for everyone but there are commonalities. The variety of grief experiences can be placed into three buckets: emotional reactions; physical reactions; thoughts and behaviors.

My hope is that as you read through these multiple experiences that you’ll find your experiences, be able to validate it, and realize you aren’t crazy or all alone.

Bucket #1: Emotional Reactions

Sometime grief is described with metaphors. “Grief is like a roller coaster” or “Grief is like the waves of the ocean that come crashing in on you in all different sizes and at random times.”

These metaphors describe how grief feels. We know that feelings can at times be complicated and hard to deal with. They can create an awkwardness or discomfort we’d rather not be with. But feelings just happen and to avoid them or push them down only results in problems later.

The goal of these descriptions isn’t to talk so much the “how” of dealing with the reactions but the “what” of what they are. This isn’t a complete list but rather a list you can add to as emotional reactions are experienced and named.

Emotional reactions include: sadness, melancholy or depression, numbness, shock or disbelief, denial, guilt, anger or hostility, fear, anxiety or worry, panic, confusion, feeling overwhelmed, frustration, irritability, helplessness, loneliness, shame, relief, and mixed emotions.

Which of these have you had? How intense was the emotional reaction? You are not alone.

I was bowled over by such a deep sadness when Vicky died that I could hardly cope. The intense sadness shrunk my world in such a way that I could only seem to focus on my loss. I learned later the incredible gift sadness was but at the beginning, I needed to know I wasn’t the only one who felt this way.

Bucket #2: Physical Reactions

Physical reactions go hand in hand with emotional reactions. One physical reaction I had was chest pains. I knew my heart was healthy but I felt like I was having a heart attack and it was frightening! I discovered later that it wasn’t unusual to feel chest pains when grieving and that it wasn’t actually a heart attack. I wish I had learned that sooner.

Physical reactions included: changes in sleep patterns (can’t go to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night, feel like you can sleep all the time), changes in appetite (no appetite or a bigger appetite), headaches, muscle stiffness, upset stomach, restlessness or jumpiness, sensitivity to loud noises or other people, racing heartbeat, dizziness, chest tightness or heaviness, and having symptoms similar to those of the one who died.

I can relate to the inability to stay for any length of time at social gatherings. I would go because I felt I should but very quickly get antsy and say to myself, “I’ve got to get out of here!” I wondered if I was the only one who felt this way.

Bucket #3: Thoughts and behaviors

This third bucket includes what we think about and what we do because of the loss we’ve experienced. As a person comfortable with tears, crying was a common occurrence for me. I couldn’t always trust myself in public which at times created stress and awkwardness.

Thoughts and behaviors include: crying, difficulty concentrating, trouble remembering things, difficulty making decisions, being in a fog, little energy, little interest in being with people, activities that you once enjoyed you now don’t, the need to tell everyone you meet your story, dreams both that comfort and frighten, a feeling that you hear the person who has died talking to you, a longing to join the person who has died, and the questioning of your beliefs or faith.

I had several dreams both before Vicky died and afterward. One dream I had after she died found me at a family gathering where I saw Vicky from a distance go into a house. So I followed her but when I went into the house, she was no where to be found! Another dreams had me cycling in a race on our tandem bike but then I ended up ditching the bike and running the rest of the race. I went back and found the bike by the side of the road.

If you’ve had any of these thoughts or behaviors, you’re not alone.

Ideas for Walking With Your Grief Experience

Now that you have been given an overview of emotional and physical reactions as well as thoughts and behaviors, you can allow yourself to connect your experience with these ideas. Here are three practical ways to move through your experience of grief so that you know you’re not going crazy or alone in your experience.

1. Write down what you are noticing

Be with your grief by creating your own list of reactions, thoughts and behaviors. Go into as much detail as necessary so that you don’t fly over these experiences too quickly. Be curious and validate what’s happening in your heart, mind and body.

2. Share your experience with someone else

There’s a time for personal reflection and a time to connect with others. Grief is a very personal and individual experience as well as different for everyone. What is important, however, is to have empathetic witnesses share your experience with you. They don’t have to have had the same experience to show empathy. They only need to feel and understand with you.

3. To experience a whole variety of reactions after a loss is to be truly human

Grief expert Earl Grollman reminds us,

Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. - Grollman

I appreciate what Washington Irving said about tears.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. - Irving

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel; to react physically the way you reacts; to think and behave the way you think and behave.

Reflect

What reactions can you relate to?

What reaction would you add to the list that you didn’t see?