Three Ideas to Keep You Moving When Grieving

David Hasselhoff once said, “If you stand still long enough, you'll get stuck.” That’s true in life and it’s true when grieving.

When I reflect on my own grief journey, at times I moved at a snails pace but I don’t think I ever stopped moving. That steady movement wasn’t because of one thing but a variety of actions, practices, and perspectives that seemed to make a difference.

I learned so much from watching and learning from others who were farther along in their grief journey. It helped me find those stepping stones I needed to keep walking.

There are three practices I used to help me keep moving. Maybe these can help you or be words of encouragement you can share with someone else whose grieving (shared at the right time).

Three Ideas to Keep You Moving When Grieving

1. Be aware of the common places where grieving people get stuck

When I was thrust into the darkness of my grief, I felt like a fish out of water. I didn’t know what I was doing and felt very alone. I approached my lack of knowing with a curiosity and started looking for mentors who could help guide me.

One author I learned from in the early days of my grief was Lucy Hone. Her book Resilient Grieving opened up my awareness and gave me permission to grieve and guidance for how to keep moving.

Discovering that there are plenty of others like us has made me feel less as if we’re unfeeling or freakish. Reading accounts of resilient grievers who have continued to suffer negative emotions, misery, and longing for their loved ones, but done so while carrying on with full and rewarding lives, somehow makes it feel more okay to act this way. — Lucy Hone, Resilient Grieving

Another author, George Bonnano, suggested another place grieving people get stuck. He found in his research that the 15% of people who get stuck long term in their grief (sometimes described as complicated or chronic grief) have the inability to let go of the need to have their loved one back again. That’s different from missing your loved one.

Prolonged grief is dominated by yearning, the repetitive and futile search for the lost loved one. People in this state can think only of the person they lost. They want nothing but to have that person back. They yearn for that person with their entire being. — George Bonnano

Another way some people get stuck is to resist feeling the pain of loss. If you numb your pain, avoiding contact with people for too long, or distract yourself for too long in unhealthy ways, you may become stuck.

2. Put in place routines that create healthy space to grieve and care for yourself

I was grateful for the habits I cultivated before my loss that I fell back on after my loss. I used the routines I had in place plus added some new ones to increase my focus on self-care.

Those routines include taking regular walks, having meals on time, journaling, watching a favorite movie, and getting to bed at the same time each night. The more you learned to automate your life the better. Habits are practices you are able to do without using up the limited will power that you have.

When Vicky was bed ridden at home, my daughter and I had a ritual of watching about 45 minutes of a movie each evening. We ended up watching the entire collection of Marvel movies (over 26 of them) over several weeks and it brought a much needed break from the strain of caring and anticipatory grief we were experiencing.

We continued that practice after she died and it helped keep me moving in my grief. Routines that are easy and repetitive need to match the slower pace that sadness brings into your life.

3. Use failure as a learning opportunity and as feedback to help you grow

For most of my life, I’ve feared failure more than I like to admit. I took it personally and had a hard time seeing it as a learning opportunity or as feedback. It was as if I was saying to myself, “If you fail, you are a failure.” Instead of saying, “If I fail, I didn’t get something right but the misstep certainly doesn’t make me a failure.”

Over time and with years of focused effort, I’m learning to reframe failure as something to learn from not to fear. I still fail lots but I use the experience as an opportunity to reflect and grow.

I failed on my grief journey. One day after we heard the news that Vicky had kidney cancer, I gave a neighbor a piece of my mind I couldn’t afford to lose and regretted it later. Sure it was justified (I told myself) but it wasn’t the person I wanted to be.

I walked away feeling like a failure but as time passed, I told myself, “Next time someone makes an insensitive comment, I’ll just keep my mouth shut because saying something only makes it worse.” I used that failure as feedback for growth.

There’s much to learn while grieving. That’s why it’s important to frame our failure correctly so we don’t get stuck. A Chinese proverbs wisely states,

Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.

In the words of Gena Showalter,

Giving up is the only sure way to fail.

Reflection Questions

• What are the signs for that indicate you might be getting stuck?

• What have you found helpful to keep yourself moving through a season of grief and mourning?