Three Handles to Hold on to When Grieving
The thing about advice is that timing is everything! Advice at the right time is like a drink of cold water on a hot day.
When I read a letter written by Seneca the Stoic philosopher to a grieving friend, it was advice I heard at exactly the right time while I was grieving. I took the advice to heart and adjusted my grief journey accordingly.
What was so great about Seneca’s advice? I’ll tell you what the advice was and let you decide if you think it might be coming at the right time for you. I see this advice as handles to grab hold of.
Three Handles to Hold on to When Grieving
In the first century, advice was delivered sometimes through hand written letters. One of those letters was written by Stoic philosopher Seneca to his grieving friend Marcia. She had lost her son, Metilius, three years earlier and her condition had worsened over time.
The advice Seneca gave to Marcia to help her specifically, was much more radical that what caught my attention. I needed the advice Seneca game to Marcia that was designed for others who weren’t as stuck as she was.
This is what Seneca said to Marcia…
Marcia your grief will not be resolved easily but with a battle.” She was stuck but it didn’t need to be that way. He promised her, “I will dry those weary and exhausted eyes that are weeping more from habit than from sorrow.
While he spoke to her, he suggested what normal remedies for grief looked like. That’s what I grabbed on to.
The advice in it’s most basic and simplest form? To grieve well, you need the consolation of friends, the distraction of good books, and time itself.
1. To grieve well you need the consolation of friends
Grief is a burden that has a solitary aspect to it but we can have friends who walk with us. Not just any friend but friends who are consoling and empathetic.
A consoling friend is an empathetic witness to our story. Not a sappy sympathetic friend who looks down with pity but a friend who demonstrates compassionate love and understanding.
You contribute to that consolation by making it easy for people to talk about who or what you lost and the memories you cherish most dearly.
We who grieve give people permission to console us. After Vicky died, I often told my story with people to test the water. If they listened and didn’t change the subject, look away, or start to squirm, I’d say more and in so doing, I grabbed a lifeline that helped get me to shore.
2. To grieve well you need to read good books
The second handle according to Seneca — we need the distraction of books. I take this one step further and include books that tell an inspiring story or teach me something about how to grieve well. This can include other forms of media like videos, TED talks, podcasts, articles, to name a few.
I applied this principle to the core value I have of being a curious learner. I woke up just days after Vicky died with this revelation, “I have no idea what I’m doing but someone must. I’m going to go looking for the mentors and grief guides I need to navigate this difficult journey.”
One place I looked was in the world of books. It was Victor Hugo who said, “To learn to read is to light a fire; every syllable that is spelled out is a spark.”
Books became my friend during my grief journey both after Vicky died and after my motorcycle accident. I read stories of people who had experienced traumatic accidents and experiences similar to mine. I entered into their stories, felt their pain and struggle, and learned to apply the lessons they extracted from their hardship.
I read biographies of resilient people like Nelson Mandela who spent many years in prison.
I watched movies, consumed podcasts, and listened to audible books. As time passed, I soaked in the ideas and stories that changed me bit by bit.
3. To grieve well you need the passage of time
Time alone does not heal. We know that because there are plenty of people who have had all kinds of time but are not healed.
Everyone has 24 hours a day but how we use our time can vary greatly. You can either use your time to enhance or inhibit your grief journey.
It’s not the amount of time you have been given but what you do with the time you’ve been given.
The Greeks have two words for time — chronos and kairos. Chronos is measured time — “What time is dinner?” Kairos is a season of time or an experience that stops you in your tracks and presents the opportunity to reflect and deepen your learning.
Both chronos and kairos matter during the grief journey. If you fail to seize the opportunity during your chronos time, you may end up getting stuck in an endless loop of sadness and despair — like what happened to Maria. If you lean into your pain and suffering with empathetic witnesses and mentoring from others, chronos time will pass at the same rate but seizing kairos time will change you for the better.
While time passes, it’s also important to have joy escort grief which creates kairos moments that heal and help.
The longer we have been grieving a loss, the harder it is to start living again. This is one of the reasons why I wholeheartedly believe we must invite life and grief to walk hand in hand. If life doesn’t escort grief back to joy, then it takes us much longer to get there, if we ever do. — Christina Rasmussen, Second Firsts
Reflection Questions
How are these three handles showing up for you?
What can you do to build into your life the application of these lessons from Seneca?
