Take the Hand of Grief & Mourning After a Loss
Grief and mourning may look like they are the same thing but in reality are two essential parts to a healthy grief journey. I didn’t realize it at first, but eventually came to realize how important it was to both grieve and mourn my losses.
Words create worlds.
When we understand and apply the words “grief” and “mourning,” our world of loss and pain will be enhanced and helped along greatly.
The Difference Between Grief and Mourning
Grief is the collection of internal thoughts and feelings you experience when someone dies or something of value is lost. Grief is our sadness, brain fog, disturbed sleep patterns, inability to concentrate, anger, and a multitude of other internal reactions you experience after a loss.
If there was a window into our heart and mind after a loss, we would see emotional reactions, random thoughts, and the various meaning we give to what has happened to us.
Mourning, on the other hand, is what happens when we take that internal grief and express it outside of ourselves.
In the words of Alan Wolfelt, “Mourning is ‘grief gone public’ or ‘the outward expression of grief.’ Talking about the person who died, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music or celebrating special anniversary dates that held meaning for the person who died.”
Why Grief Without Mourning isn’t Enough
The reason we need both is because if our loss is only felt and processed internally, we will not properly heal. We need to express our grief outwardly to process our grief and find the healing we seek.
Some people will (sometimes with their words and sometimes with their actions) ask us to keep our grief to ourself. “I’m uncomfortable with all this external processing! You’ve had a few days to grieve, now it’s time keep it to yourself.”
Disastrous results will occur if we keep our feelings and thoughts all bottled up inside. It’s only by sharing our grief with other empathetic witnesses that we will be able to move through our grief. When we are able to find places where people will show us patience, compassion and understanding that our grief will be validated and worked through.
Personal Grieving and Meaningful Expression
There is a time and a place for personal grieving. I did this a lot after my wife died. The bike rides by myself, the walks by the creek with my dog Max, the time spent in my recliner with my journal and books.
But that wasn’t the whole story. I had people I could process my feelings with. I planned special times of celebrating and remembering with others — sometimes around the dinner table while at other times on a walk or standing together around the graveside months afterward.
One more thought. You don’t grieve all at once. Grieving and mourning go on for as long as necessary. Return to special places. Remember special dates. Mourn with others.
Final Reason to Take Time to Mourn
“When you don’t honor a death loss by acknowledging it, first to yourself and then to those around you, the grief will accumulate. Then, the denied losses come flowing out in all sorts of potential ways (e.g., deep depression, physical complaints, difficulty in relationships, addictive behaviors), compounding the pain of your loss.”
— Alan Wolfelt, Understanding Your Grief
