Companioning as Bearing Witness to a Person in the Valley of Grief

Companioning is where you come alongside a person who is grieving. It’s sitting with, opening up your heart to, and walking alongside without advice giving or trying to fix anything.

This series is based on Alan Wolfelt’s 11 tenets of companioning. This article looks at the fifth tenet. To catch up and read about the first four tenets, click here.

Bearing Witness to a Person in the Valley of Grief Matters

The fifth tenet of companioning says: Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing these struggles.

There is nothing to take the place of authentic and nonjudgmental human connection during the dark days of grief. It’s definitely hard because it requires a high degree of emotional and spiritual awareness but it is possible.

Do Your Own Work First

You have to do your own work first to acquaint yourself in depth with your soulbased emotions. Only then, because you have authentically felt, will you "know what it feels like." — Alan Wolfelt

It took me a while to be ready and able to go down into the valley of someone else’s raw grief. I had to do my own grief work first. I’m not saying I’m finished my own grief work, but I’ve grieved deeply enough to be able to handle someone else’s grief.

When our own grief work has stalled, companioning can reopen old wounds and cause us to react. If we are unable to be calm and present with raw grief, we can shut down the very grief experience we are seeking to witness. Shutting it down can show up in the form of interrupting, problem solving, comparing, or minimizing the person’s grief.

Bearing Witness and Showing Compassion

Bearing witness to the grief of another is all about showing compassion. The very meaning of the word gives insight into what it truly is. Compassion comes from the words cum and pation which means “to suffer with” or “to share solidarity with.”

While empathy refers to ‘feeling with’ the grieving person, compassion is about ‘feeling for’ the grieving person. You have to care for and about the person to be a soulful companion. — Alan Wolfelt

Compassion is not sympathy or the attempt to identify exactly with the person who is suffering. Sympathy projects the attitude that says, “I feel sorry for you.” An attempt at identification says, “I know just how you feel.” The truth is, you don’t know they feel and feeling sorry for someone is no comfort at all.

The Benefits of Bearing Witness Without Judgment

Empathetic witness bearing has a number of benefits for the grieving person:

It helps lay a foundation of a trust and deep connection

It creates a safe space to risk deeper sharing

It lowers the chances of self-protection and isolation

It fosters self-reflection, verbal processing, and eventual healing

Final Thought

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. — Leo Buscaglia

When have you experienced an empathetic witness bearer in your life?

What was the impact of their involvement in your life?

For more insights on how to grieve well, check out our online course:
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