Companioning and How to Listen With Your Heart
Companioning is the practice of coming alongside those who are grieving. It’s sitting with, walking with, and being with those who mourn without giving answers but simply being fully present to their experience.
In this series on Alan Wolfelt’s 11 tenets of companioning, I will talk about the fourth tenet. My reflections on the first four tenets are here.
How to Listen With the Heart While Refusing to Analyze With the Head
The fourth tenet of companioning says: Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
In the words of Robert Kall, “The heart holds answers the brain refuses to see.” There are things learned while connecting at a heart level that no amount of thought can reveal.
When I think of my own experience with the fog of grief, the people who helped me the most came from a heart-felt place not a place where words or solutions reigned.
The Qualities of Open-Heartedness
There are four critical ingredients needed to care for people from a place of open-heartedness: humility, unknowing, unconditional love, and the spiritual practice of a “readiness to receive.”
Humility — is the awareness that you are not an expert in grief. You are rather a student and there to learn from the person you are walking alongside.
“Humility is about a willingness to learn from your mistakes as well as an appreciation of your limitations and strengths.” — Wolfeldt
Unknowing — is the ability to be completely present to the person grieving with an open mind and heart. It’s about paying attention to the moment you are in, letting go, and not trying to control the outcome.
Unconditional love and acceptance — unconditional love is the art of removing conditions for loving another person. This kind of love creates safety and opens the door to grieve without being judged or minimized.
“Give love and unconditional acceptance to those you encounter and notice what happens.” — Wayne Dyer
Readiness to receive — this will look different for each person but the idea is to develop a routine where you prepare yourself to be open hearted before connecting with those you are companioning.
This routine can include a number of practices that you find meaningful. I have found several routines have helped me to prepare to be with grieving people.
Routines that create readiness to receive:
The repeating of key phrases or slogans that express how you think, feel, and want to show up
The unloading of your cares and burdens (to your God if that is your belief system)
Going to a place of stillness where you can quiet my mind, heart and soul
Picture the person you’re about to meet as loved and extremely valuable
Final Thought
It’s no accident that open-heartedness is not just transformational when companioning. It also can have great impact in the lives of others you come in contact with. Close friends, family members, people you work with, those you meet as you walk through life — can be changed for the better when they are truly loved.
Who in your life has listened to you with the heart? What difference did that make?
Source: Companioning the Bereaved by Alan D. Wolfelt
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