Companioning as Walking Alongside Holding a Mirror

Companioning is the practice of coming alongside a person who is grieving. It’s involves sitting with and opening up your heart to someone who is on a personal journey of grief. It’s not about giving advice or taking away the pain but being fully present.

This series is based on Alan Wolfelt’s 11 tenets of companioning. This article looks at the sixth tenet. To catch up and read about the first five tenets, click here.

Walking Alongside Someone and Holding up a Mirror

The sixth tenet of companioning says: Companioning is about walking alongside; is it not about leading or being led.

One of the barriers to being compassionate and caring to those in grief is to have an “us” and “them” mentality. If you see yourself in an elevated or superior position, you’ll cut off empathy and experience a passive response.

“True compassion evolves when you, the companion, see yourself as a fellow traveler, not as an expert in the mourner’s journey. The more you can walk alongside and learn from the mourner, the more you will experience the true grace of an equal relationship of unity.” — Alan Wolfelt

As a companion, you are a holder of mirrors. You don’t heal anyone but you can help someone heal themselves as you hold up a mirror for them.

When someone who is grieving is given the gift of a safe place to reflect and process, internal shifts of perspective can happen, they can tap into what’s really going on within, and potentially see things they haven’t seen before.

10 Qualities that Allow You to Walk Alongside Another

Besides the core quality of empathy (which is discussed in earlier tenets), there are 10 qualities that give life and impact to our walking alongside.

1. Respect

This involves the companion stepping into the role of the student not the teacher. It is a lens you put on that comes without judgment or suspicion.

2. Sensitivity and warmth

This is the opposite of giving off the vibe of being distant and impersonal. Companioning exuded a warm supportive energy and presence.

3. Genuineness

This is about being true to who you are, not being phony or defensive. You know it when you feel it.

4. Trust

This is about making and keeping your promises. It’s about being consistent as a person. When there is trust, there is safety and positive energy.

5. Immediacy

This is the quality of being in the present moment with the grieving person. Being and living in the present is where the work of grief happens.

6. Humility

This is the willingness to make mistakes and learn from them. It is about submitting to the grieving person and letting them be the teacher and you the student.

7. Patience

This is the ability to wait, be comfortable with silence, and give time for things to unfold. It’s patience that creates the space to build trust and demonstrate your willingness to walk alongside.

8. Hope

This is an essential quality because without hope, you fail to believe you will eventually heal.

“Hope is an expectation of a good that is yet to be. It is an expression of the present alive with a sense of the possible…Hope rallies energies and activates the courage to commitment of mourning.” — Alan Wolfelt

9. Humor

It is possible and necessary to laugh in the midst of pain. You need occasional light heartedness to balance the seriousness of grief.

10. Heart

This is about being true to your own feelings and connected to your human vulnerabilities. The driving force of the companion is your heart, not your head.

Final thought

These 10 qualities are worth reflecting on as you interact with those in your life who are grieving. They serve as guide posts along the journey of walking with those in grief.

Which qualities do you excel at?

Where do you need to grow?

For more insights on how to grieve well, check out our online course:
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