Three Reasons Thorough Grief Matters

Grieving is hard work and it’s not unusual for people to avoid the effort required to grieve well.

Grieving is not only hard work but required on some level for all of life’s losses. Whether your loss was a lost job, a loss of health, the loss of a loved one, the loss of autonomy, the loss of a dream, or the loss of safety.

One of the reasons I wrote Unlocking the Mystery of Grief was to provide support so you could grieve thoroughly. What I want to remind you of today is the reasons why thorough grief is worth the time and trouble to pursue.

If you need to process a recent or unresolved loss, don’t hesitate to pick up a copy of my book and let me walk with you down into your grief and forge a pathway to discover how to live again.

Three Reasons Why Thorough Grief Works

1. Thorough grief touches all areas of our lives

Thorough grief goes to all the places of your mind, heart, body, and experience. It touches the deeper parts — the regrets, disappointments, unresolved issues, memories, and everything in-between.

Good grief supports the validation of one’s grief and the need to keep telling the story until the story does not need to be told. If grief is shallow and stays on the surface, it is kept from being expressed and the hurt stays within.

Initially, it may feel easier to rush through your grief looking for counterfeit peace. But it’s unwise to do so if in fact you want to heal and find yourself able to live again.

2. Thorough grief is the medicine we need for healing to occur

Grief is itself a medicine. — William Cowper

Grief expert Earl Grollman suggested that “grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”

The day after Vicky died, I started cycling. I did it to clear my head and knew that exercise could be helpful as part of my post-loss processing. It was not long before I realized a strange combination of sadness and joy coexisted on those rides. I started to ever so slightly feel small rays of hope shining into my broken heart and slowly giving me the relief I so much needed. Those rides were painful yet healing all at the same time.

I realized it was good grief I was experiencing. My heart ached on those rides as I felt the loss of my life partner, but I would feel the warm sun on my face, see the setting sun, and enjoy nature while riding through it.

3. Thorough grief if avoided can have perilous consequences

People say “I’m fine” when they’re not. Sometimes it’s due to pride, ignorance, cultural values, or conditioning. Regardless of the reason, it will eventually hurt to ignore your grief. It also hurts to heal but if you do not heal, the pain will persist or come out in other uninvited ways. Unprocessed grief causes many side effects that take a while to show up.

Just a few of the perils you run the risk of experiencing if you ignore your grief are:

Depression and anxiety
Weakened cardiovascular system
Weakened immune system that impedes the much-needed strength to fight off disease and infection
Emergence of complicated or chronic grief with words like “I feel so stuck!”
Addictive behaviors such as overworking, compulsive shopping, overeating, abusing substances, gambling, overexercising, video game playing, and more.
Reoccurring illnesses
Decrease in workplace productivity
Emotional unavailability
Difficulty bonding with others
Unhappiness and loss of self-respect
Becoming aloof, passive, cold, controlling, coercive, cynical, suspicious, or angry

That’s quite a list! A list thorough grief will help you avoid!