Five Reasons Why Tears Get Shut Down & What to Do Instead
The past two months have been challenging with a lot of loss to deal with. Both of my dad’s have died and today is the funeral for Eugene Parkins, who was my father-in-law for 37 years. It will be an emotional day as we remember his life, mourn his death, and receive comfort from God and each other during our time together.
I have been acquainted with tears for many years now and thought it timely to remind myself of the value of tears today. Not everyone holds tears in high esteem but I certainly do. They have been my friend and an important part of my grief journey multiple times.
You may not need to cry today, but a day will come when an openness to tears might just be the gift you need to give yourself.
Why do some people try to shut down tears? There are several reasons. On the flip side, there are many good reasons, backed by research, why we should value tears because of the healing they bring.
One study found 80% of women and 70% of men feeling better after a good cry – referring to a deep and extended cry. The study also described numerous benefits from deep crying - clearer thinking, better problem solving ability, and a deeper capacity to love and understand people.
Five Reasons Why Tears Get Shut Down & How to Respond Instead
1. Tears get shut down because we confuse the pain of loss with the pain of healing
Instead…
When someone is crying, it doesn’t automatically mean they are hurting. It might mean they are getting the hurt out of them. If we mistakenly believe crying is actually hurting someone and try to shut it down, we might actually be stopping them from healing!
Don’t offer the Kleenex box too soon!
Sadness is the pain – crying is the healing from the pain.
2. Tears get shut down because we don’t want people to pity us because of our tears
Instead…
The key is to learn how to stop feeling sorry for people who are crying. Love them. Support them. Encourage them. Be with them but don’t pity them! It may be exactly what they need.
3. Tears get shut down because we believe crying is a sign of weakness
Instead…
Crying is not a sign of weakness but a quality of the strong – and makes you stronger. It’s time to change our perspective on what true strength really is.
4. Tears get shut down because we’ve only known shallow tears
Instead…
If all you ever experience is shallow, lonely, weepy, short tears - you’ll come out thinking that crying doesn’t really help at all. If you don’t cry long enough, hard enough and deep enough, true healing will not take place.
5. Tears get shut down because we fear ridicule if we cry
Instead…
Realize that some people don’t understand or appreciate the value of tears and can actually put down those who show tears. It could be their own insecurity and discomfort with tears. And a word to the wise - don’t let the ridicule come from you!
To weep is to make less the depth of grief. — William Shakespeare
Reflection Questions
What is your attitude and mindset towards tears?
When is the last time you had a deep cry?
If deep crying is not in your experience, what would be the benefit of embracing the idea and experience?
