The David Kessler School of Grief
An author I have recently started learning from is David Kessler. I resonate with so much of what he talks about and the approach he takes to grief and mourning.
I’ve put together a few of his quotes to inspire, teach, encourage you in your grief journey or grief education journey. I recommend his book that I’m listening to right now. It’s called Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.
Speaking of grief and mourning, last Saturday we remembered the life of Eugene Parkins who was my friend, mentor, and father-in-law (for 37 years). If you are interested in watching his memorial service, click here to watch.
Nine Quotes from the David Kessler School of Grief
1. All grief needs to be witnessed
Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.
2. Loss is what happens to you in life
Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.
3. Putting one foot in front of the other
People often say, “I don’t know how you’re doing it.” I tell them that I’m not. I’m not deciding to wake up in the morning. I just do. Then I put one foot in front of the other because there’s nothing else to do. Whether I like it or not, my life is continuing, and I have decided to be part of it.
4. Something ends at death and something else continues
Death ends a life, but not our relationship, our love, or our hope.
When someone dies, the relationship doesn’t die with them.
5. You don’t have to experience grief — but the cost of avoiding it is great
You don’t have to experience grief, but you can only avoid it by avoiding love. Love and grief are inextricably intertwined.
Love and grief come as a package deal. If you love, you will one day know sorrow.
Life gives us pain. Our job is to experience it when it gets handed to us. Avoidance of loss has a cost.
6. How to think about pain
Life gives us pain. Our job is to experience it when it gets handed to us. Avoidance of loss has a cost. Having our pain seen and seeing the pain in others is a wonderful medicine for both body and soul.
"Your pain will not always be like this,” I told her. “It will change.” This is a message that the grieving need to hear, and in the moment of saying it, I often observe a shift. The person looks up at me and says, “It will?” And he or she suddenly becomes lighter.
7. What it means to heal
Healing doesn’t mean the loss didn’t happen. It means that it no longer controls us.
People often think there is no way to heal from severe loss. I believe that is not true. You heal when you can remember those who have died with more love than pain, when you find a way to create meaning in your own life in a way that will honor theirs. It requires a decision and a desire to do this, but finding meaning is not extraordinary, it’s ordinary. It happens all the time, all over the world.
8. Loss of hope can be temporary
A loved one’s death is permanent, and that is so heartbreaking. But I believe your loss of hope can be temporary. Until you can find it, I’ll hold it for you. I have hope for you. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings as they are, but I also don’t want to give death any more power than it already has. Death ends a life, but not our relationship, our love, or our hope.
9. An answer to the question, “Why Me?”
I guess the real question is, “Why not me? Why did I think I was going to get through this life without sorrow, pain, or grief?”
Reflection Question
What quote resonated with you the most?
What quote surprised you?
