What To Do When Your Identity Has Been Lost
How do you find a new identity after you’ve lost the one you had?
After Vicky died, I was lost. Not only lost because my best friend had died but because my identity had changed very abruptly. At first, I didn’t even know the half of what I had lost. Eventually, however, it became crystal clear how large the gap really was without my friend and wife.
Jerry Sittser, author of A Grace Disguised, gave me some much needed insight into the identity crisis that happens when you lose someone you love. Jerry suffered the devastating loss of his wife, mother, and daughter all in one accident so knew what he was talking about. He said that…
…catastrophic loss is like undergoing an amputation of our identity.
— Jerry Sittser
That made perfect sense. My identity relied heavily on the roles and relationships I had in my life. I hadn’t lost everything but a key role and relationship had changed drastically. I found three helpful actions I could take that helped me deal with my identity crisis.
Three Actions That Help Pave the Way to a New Identity
Action 1: Take time to grieve the loss of your roles and relationships
The metaphor that Jerry Sittser used struck a chord with me the more I thought about it. After a significant loss, you feel like you have had an “amputation of the self.”
My role as a husband was amputated and cut off. I was no longer married but now a widower. I never wanted this but here I was having to deal with a life altering change of plans.
I needed to take time to grieve the loss of this role and the relationship with my wife that was no longer possible.
This same feeling can be experienced by a divorcee or unexpectedly job loss. This feeling of an amputation of the self can be felt by a competitive athlete who has a career ending injury that sidelines them from competing.
Action 2: Slowly begin to imagine a new future you is possible
This may feel disrespectful but I learned how critical it was to with my identity crisis. I had to learn how to remember and honor the past without living in the past.
The dance was delicate as I started to imagine what a new you might look like. It didn’t occur right away but eventually I started to imagine that new me while at the same time, I was able to honor the memories I had of my life with Vicky.
It was Stephen Covey who said, “Live out of your imagination, not your history.” Easier said than done but essential if you ever hope to see life return to your brokenhearted soul.
When I looked back into my past, I was a husband and I was married. I was defined by that role and the relationship I had with Vicky. Looking forward I had to imagine what my life would be like without that reality.
I ever so slowly started to imagine what it could look like to be a single person and no longer married or shaped by my status as a married man. I started to entertain the idea that I could reinvent myself now that I was on my own.
How did I do that? It started with a lot of self-reflection but eventually resulted in a tangible word picture of who I wanted my future self to look like and be.
Action 3: Create a future self statement that describes the new person you are becoming
I’m a big believer in the power of words to create a new world. “Words create worlds,” is the saying. The words you create that describe your future self are a tangible way to escort your grief into a new life.
Creating a future self word picture is a way to foster hope and healing in your brokenhearted soul. The process I’m describing ends up with a one paragraph description of your future life. That future life is something you can start creating now.
It started with an initial journal dump of all the adjectives (words that describes an attribute or quality you want to have) you can think of that describe the person you want to be. It’s written as a future statement describing who you see yourself a few months into the future.
This was my first draft.
My life is an adventure of discovery and new beginnings. A massive hole exists where Vicky was but instead of trying to fill it, I’m honoring the memory of her life and legacy while expanding my reach to do things I love, connect with people I like, have new experiences, engage in meaningful work, enjoy laughter, embrace the tears, and share with others who are in the grip of their own suffering.
I took that random collection of words and aspirations and put them into a one sentence positive affirmation statement I wrote out and carried around with me. That shorter version read:
My life is a fun adventure of learning, connecting, and discovery.
During the first summer after Vicky died, I lived in the direction of this future self. I didn’t feel it at first, but it grew slowly within me like a flower that started as a seed, then becomes a stem, then a bud, then a fully formed flower.
Dr. Seuss describes beautifully the process of discovering who we really are. This is what we can aspire to as we reflect on our identity after it’s been lost.
Today you are You,
That is truer than true.
There is no one alive
Who is Youer than You. — Dr. Seuss
If you have experienced the amputation of your identity because of a life altering loss, consider these actions in order to move from where you are to a place in the future where a new you is possible.
Reflection Questions
What role or relationship have you lost or seen change in your life?
What barrier might be hindering you from imagining a new future?
When could you carve out some time to create your own paragraph and walk through this process?
