Why You Need Empathetic Friends & How to Find Them
On a daily basis we need friends who will witness the story we have to tell. It can be the difference between getting stuck or moving forward.
The friends who serve as reliable witnesses to our story embody the quality of empathy and serve as the lubricating oil that keep the gears of our lives turning.
Why are they so important and how do you find them? Let’s explore that two part question.
Why Empathy is So Valuable While Grieving
The reason why empathy is needed for those grieving is because without the opportunity to tell our story, our grief stays within us and keeps our healing from happening.
As we know, grief is multi-layered and multi-faceted but at the core is the need to have it validated and supported by those who walk with us on our journey.
We are healed by story telling. — Curt Thompson
The stories themselves actually are incomplete and are missing some key elements that only come to light as we tell those stories out loud to someone who will truly listen.
As we tell our stories to others, to the degree that they are attuned to us, our story is modified. The very act of attuning to someone nonverbally creates right hemisphere to right hemisphere brain connections that alter the experience in real time. In this way, good listeners energize the story teller and so encourage the story to be told more faithfully. Hence, story telling is much more a dance between teller and listener than it is a monologue. In fact, it is fair to say, that the story is what tends to emerge between speaker and listener both playing a central role in its telling. — Curt Thompson in The Soul of Shame
It’s the empathetic witness who can attune to us. They come with the acceptance, patience, heart level connection that ensures a right hemisphere brain connection actually happens.
Now let’s look at what you can do to find those kind of people who will be able to truly listen to you and witness your story.
How to Find Empathetic Friends
Know what empathy looks like
The dictionary defines empathy as: “The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”
“Empathy means not only understanding someone else’s pain but also relating to it by recalling the time in our own lives when we had similar, if not the same, feelings. It means forming a connection by just listening and being there, not fixing.” — Liana Yadav
When you find someone who understands your pain and will simply listen without needing to give advice, top your story, or fix your grief, you have most likely found an empathetic witness.
The person doesn’t even need to have had the same experience. What they do need is be able to connect with the emotions you are feeling. As Brene Brown puts it, “Empathy is not connecting to an experience. Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.”
Know what an empathetic witness does
Empathy is more than a definition — it shows up in positive action. If you know what you’re looking for, you can see it demonstrated in the way people act in your presence. When you see these actions, move towards that person because they just might be another empathetic witness.
An empathetic witness doesn’t judge and makes you feel accepted for who you are. They are peaceful and calm and do not have an agenda. They make the conversation about you and lets you repeat your story more than 29 times.
An empathetic witness won’t say to you, “Haven’t you told me that story enough times already?” They won’t avoid asking sensitive questions but will wait to ask them when the time is right. They will ask a question then listen deeply to the answer. They never feels pressured to speak and are able to cry in your presence without squirming.
Know what behavior gets in the way of empathy…and keep walking
There is another way to find an empathetic friend, know what non-empathetic people do and keep walking. I’ve done this several times and was glad I did because the extra pain and frustration you experience from those without empathy isn’t worth it.
A non-empathetic witness will talk more than they listen and end up making the conversation about them. They will interrupt you just as you begin to speak. They are easily distracted and squirm when you get too real. They are triggered by personal unresolved trauma.
A non-empathetic witness isn’t able to connect to a similar feeling they have had leaving them detached. They use the phrase that begins with “At least…” that kills the conversation. They give advice freely ask too many probing questions. They tell their own story as soon as your story reminds them of it.
Where I Found Empathetic Witnesses
I found empathetic witnesses in all kinds of places.
I found an empathetic witness on a bike ride. Shortly after Vicky died, I was out for a bike ride and came upon a cyclist who I started talking to. I couldn’t help but tell him a small piece of my story. I told him how I used to ride a tandem bike with my wife but now she’s no longer with me.
He listened without interrupting and when he rode away, I was left feeling heard and supported for those two kilometers.
I found empathetic friends in my family. Not every family member had the same degree of empathy but I moved towards those who had the actions of an empathetic witness.
I found empathetic friends among those who had experienced loss in their own life. Some doubled as mentors and wise guides for the journey.
I found empathetic friends in the communities I belonged to like Toastmasters. It served as a supportive community who listened to my speeches where I told my story of loss and grief. I received valuable feedback, encouragement, and understanding.
In my neighborhood, I found empathy in conversations with certain neighbors while on sidewalks and driveways.
I found empathetic friends in my church community. As I consistently showed up, I found people who cared and took the time to listen and be present with me.
Reflection Questions
Why is empathy important for you right now?
Who can you turn to when looking for empathetic friends to walk beside you?
