Lessons on Grief from the School of Abraham Lincoln
You can learn to grief entirely by your own experience or with some help from others.
Abraham Lincoln is a historical figure who became a mentor for me as I learned what I didn’t know about grieving. Grief is as old as humans have walked the earth. Looking at Lincoln reminds us that we’re not alone and we can learn from those who have gone before us.
Abraham Lincoln, a noble and memorable historical figure, had many losses including the death of his mother when he was nine, the death of two sons who died in his life time, and personal friends who died during the war. Let’s take a look at his grief journey and see how he navigated the turmoil.
Three Transferable Lessons Learned from Lincoln’s Story
There’s a moving scene from Lincoln’s life where he is seen standing over the bed of his 11 year old son Willie who had just died of typhoid fever. It occurred in February of 1862 when in history, major progress was being made on the abolition of slavery.
Elizabeth, who worked for Mrs. Lincoln, described watching the president stand “in silent, awe-stricken wonder.” She saw Lincoln’s “genius and greatness weeping over love’s idol lost.”
Loss struck again when one of Lincoln’s dearest friend, William McCullough, was killed during a night charge in Mississippi during the war. In response to that loss, he wrote a letter of consolation to William’s daughter Fannie McCullough that gives us insights into how he thought and dealt with loss.
THE LETTER
Dear Fanny,
It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your kind and brave Father; and, especially, that it is affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. The older have learned to ever expect it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress.
Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You can not now realize that you will ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known before.
Please present my kind regards to your afflicted mother.
Your sincere friend,
A. Lincoln
Three Lessons From Lincoln’s Advice We Can Apply to Our Lives
1. Accept that sorrow comes to all
We know in our head that sorrow comes to all of us sooner of later but we still get caught off guard. This is the reminder that in this sad world of ours, sorrow will come.
He consoled her with this truth but was very much aware that to the young, loss is unexpected and perhaps has a greater impact.
When I think of Vicky’s death, it did come rather quickly but I was grateful for the six weeks we did after to prepare for her death. Others have no time to prepare: a fatal car accident, a heart attack that ends a life, or a surgery that someone doesn’t recover from.
If we take Lincoln’s words to heart, we develop a grief mindset and accept that sorrow through loss can come at any time. The Stoics were known for a phrase “Momenti Mori” which means, “Meditate on your mortality.” It’s the awareness that “this life could end at any moment.”
With that attitude, it doesn’t lessen the pain of loss but it might reduce the bitterness we feel when it does happen.
2. Hold out hope that relief will come in time
Lincoln said, “You are sure to be happy again.” These words are little comfort when you’re down deep in your sorrow but they do provide a light inside the tunnel that it won’t always be like this.
Lincoln didn’t just say this by hearsay, it was based on his experience.
I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. - Lincoln
I too heard these words early on in my grief journey and they stuck with me (even though I didn’t find them all too comforting when they were given). Now, as I look back with hindsight on my grief journey, I have found increased happiness and relief from those intense emotions that at the beginning of my journey.
Notice he doesn’t say, “Time heals all wounds” because time alone is not enough. Time brings relief — as long as you grieve well.
3. What’s born out of sorrow can be pure and sweet
The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known before. - Lincoln
Lincoln gives Fanny a glimpse into the window of what’s possible — to the internal transformation and sad sweet feelings that can exist in her heart in time.
This speaks of finding deeper purpose and meaning as time passes.
When we open up our lives to the full experience of grief and embrace it, savor the memories, and let ourselves be changed for the better, we become a Lincoln to others.
He embodied his letter. He lived these lessons that became more than words on paper but gems of wisdom with an enduring quality.
Grief is kind of like a catapult. It pulls you back for awhile, with the intention of launching you forth once again…If only you’ll let it. — Kate Ward
Reflection Questions
1. What changes for you when you accept sorrow as part of the human experience?
2. If you are grieving right now and I say to you, “You will be happy again some day,” what surfaces?
3. Replace the word “Father” with the name of the person or thing you have lost and say out loud. “The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart…” Now ask, “What’s possible when you do that?”
