The Kind of Time That Heals
The Steve Miller Band sang the song, “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.”
As time slips by, does it result in the healing you are hoping for while grieving? Definitely not. Time alone is not sufficient to heal the broken heart.
It’s been said that time heals all wounds. The truth is that time alone does not guarantee healing will occur. It merely passes. It is what we do during the passing of time that helps or hinders the healing process. — Jay Marshall
It’s what you do or don’t do as time passes that makes all the difference to how thorough your grief sinks down into your bones and is processed in your life.
Here are three ways I used the time I was given while grieving — and I believe it helped.
Three Ways to Use Your Time so You Get Traction
1. See time as an opportunity that knocks, not only as a clock that ticks
There are two Greek words for time that shed light on the way to frame time properly: chronos and kairos.
Chronos time is measured and counted. It’s what we race against and number our days by. It’s measured in years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds.
Kairos time is lived and experienced time. It’s opportunity that knocks and invites us to engage.
Chronos time is a birthday party you hold on the day you were born. Kairos time is the moment you pause to reflect on the time left and the legacy you want to leave.
Both kinds of time are important. Chronos time shows up on the calendar as a birthday, an anniversary, or the day someone died. Those special days are hard yet important to be with.
Kairos is the way you live those days. Kairos makes room to tell stories, give thanks, offer forgiveness, tell those who surround you how much you love them. Kairos is about being still, putting away your watch, and experiencing the moment.
2. Learn to spot kairos time and express with words what you see and feel
It takes practice to harvest lessons when our lives are experiencing pain. Harvesting those lessons is what kairos time is all about. Kairos time is about creating space to listen and learn.
On May 29, 2020 (15 days after Vicky died), I journaled these words. They represent kairos time as I reflect back on them now. The words are messy and all over the map but that’s some times how kairos time is experienced.
“Today I don’t feel much. Yesterday my grief was a bit forced. Part of me wants to just do my own thing and grieve alone yet I know that’s not best. I can’t do this without her — but I have to.”
“Today I make a choice: I’m going to live today as though it were my last. What does that look like? Laugh. Love. Cry. Learn. Teach. Write. Read. Connect.”
“Today I’m learning more about the word: STILL. In Hebrew it means several things: “To let go, to relax, to release — to actively and purposefully let go of your expectations. And to have expectancy for God to meet you in the chaos.” — Journal Entries, May 29, 2020
These words are a bit random but that’s often how kairos appears.
3. Use your time to mine the gold hidden in what might feel like a pile of dirt
Kairos moments are often hidden beneath the rubble of grief and sorrow. When we sit with our mess and stop looking at the clock we are able to live in the present moment and find any nuggets that might actually become a gift to be unwrapped.
Chronos time asks, “When will this be over?”
Kairos time asks, “What is going on within me that I need to process, learn from, and sit with?”
I have found gems and valuable lessons when sitting in the dirt pile long enough. It takes courage to live by kairos time because we must surrender to the unknown and create space to sit and wait for insight and wisdom.
Nazi prison camp survivor Viktor Frankl knew a lot about looking for gems in his pile of rubble. One of the lessons he learned was this:
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. - Viktor Frankl
Practically, Frankl’s lesson is about pushing pause when suffering a life debilitating blow to decide our response. It’s in the gap where we choose forgiveness instead of bitterness; acceptance instead of denial; uncertainty instead of clarity.
Tips for Processing Kairos Time
How do you tell kairos time? Here are three steps you can take that might help.
Step 1: See your events, happenings, aha moments as reflection worthy
Kairos starts by discerning the things that are important enough to stop the clock for and spend time with. What things might qualify? Events, insights, reactions, words your hear or read, spiritual insights, aha moments of awareness.
Step 2: Observe, reflect, and discuss what you see or experience
This is not about doing something — it’s about rather with the idea, insight, aha moment, or reaction and being curious. It’s asking questions like, “What’s going on here? What do I need to learn? How might I need to adjust my thinking?”
Step 3: Decide what you might need to do or think differently based on what you noticed and learned
This third step is about taking action. For example, you might find yourself completely exhausted and after observing and reflecting on that weariness, you realize that you aren’t setting yourself up for success with proper sleep. You take action with a plan to change how you prepare for a better nights sleep.
Reflection Questions
What’s the difference in your mind between chronos and kairos time?
What would say to the person who says, “Time heals all things”?
What kairos time is ticking for you right now and how might you respond?
