Three Vital Elements that Nurture Hope While Grieving

A person can live forty days without food, three days without water, eight minutes without air, but only one second without hope. — Hal Lindsey

Hope helps you face uncertainty, get through what you’re going through, and gives you handles to hold on to when the ones you had have given way.

Hope is a way of thinking — a cognitive process according to Brene Brown. It’s more than just a feeling but actually provides the wherewithal to move, grow, and change.

Hope includes three things: goals, pathways, and agency (C.R. Snyder). As you understand and take hold of hope’s hand, you can walk into your day with a little more strength and optimism.

Three Vital Elements to Give Life Changing Hope When Grieving

The elements that give us hope are easy to understand yet hard to practice on a consistent basis. They are, however, essential to give you the stepping stones you need to keep moving.

Essential #1: To have hope you need realistic expectations or goals for where you want to get to

If the goal you had in life is no longer attainable because of a loss, what do you do? You need to sit with your loss and validate your grief but along with that, a new destination to head towards.

When Vicky died, I went into the garage and felt a deep sadness when I stared at our tandem bike parked against the wall. It represented so many memories and was our happy place. I reflected on the long rides, the basket Max rode in on the back, and all the people we’d gone on exciting trips with.

I was sobered by the reality that I would never ride with Vicky on that bike again. But what could I do to find new hope when that hope was lost? I started to imagine what it would be like to ride my own bike. I also started planning a long trip for that first summer after she was gone.

The summer trip was a goal that gave me hope. I would ride in her memory and do it with her brother. I had a decal created of her name in her hand writing that I put on the front forks. I would continue to have her ride with me in my heart, mind, and memories.

What is something you have lost that you might be able to reframe as a new goal or aspiration?

Essential #2: To have hope you need a pathway to follow in order to get to your goals

A goal without a pathway will lead to frustration and turn a true hope into simply a wish. It’s not too different from saying “I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow.” When you say that, you have no pathway to get to that outcome other than being at the mercy of the weather.

When we’re struggling to get going each day after a devastating loss, it can be hard to even think about “what do I want?” never mind, “How will I get there?” But when you have set your intention on a realistic goal, you can then find a simple way to take the baby steps necessary to get to that destination.

Going back to my goal of doing a long bike ride, I set the goal on cycling 650km in six days. Then I went to work to put in place the pathway to get there. It included daily cycling so I’d be in shape for the ride. It also included partnering with Vicky’s brother and his friend to plan the details of the trip.

The pathway I set out on had far more positive side affects than I realized when I started. I was impacted positively in the areas of mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual well being.

It’s not enough to say, “I sure hope I start feeling better some day.” You must add daily action to that desire. It’s saying, “I will start feeling better because I am doing ‘X’.” The “X” can be exercise, connection, gratitude, learning, or any other activity or practice that move a goal into reality.

Essential #3: To have hope you need to believe you can control your actions and impact the outcome

Hope is not served up on a silver platter. It’s not handed to you without your involvement. Hope to be realized requires effort and choice.

It’s true that setting goals is hard work as is finding the creative energy to create your pathways. But what’s also hard work is setting your intention to apply the grit, faith, and perseverance to make the change happen.

Hope is a function of struggle — we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times, but through adversity and discomfort. Hope is forged when our goals, pathways, and agency are tested and when change is actually possible. — Brene Brown

For hope to be realized, you must embrace the reality that you do have control over certain actions and will reap the reward of positive outcomes because of those actions.

What if your hope feels out of reach?

I need to say one more thing about hope. What if you simply don’t have the strength to be hopeful — in thought or action? What if the current you’re swimming against is just too strong to fight against with hope infused thinking and practice?

For starters, you need to hear, “It’s OK to be where you are right now.” You are not alone.

In addition to that, be kind to yourself. Look yourself in the mirror and say, “I’m worth caring about and showing kindness to even though I don’t feel good about myself or my situation.”

Also, look for an empathetic friend who will be a witness to your story of hopelessness.

Nurture Hope With Words of Wisdom

To nurture hope in your life, reflect on words like those of Haldir in Lord of the Rings. Don’t give up even when you’re in a dark room and can’t find the light switch.

The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater. — J.R.R. Tolkien