Three Reasons Why it Matters to Have Your Grief Validated
Validation for your grief matters.
I know validation matters because it mattered to me. I also see first hand in others who are grieving how important it is for them to hear, “Your grief matters!” I may not know exactly what you’re going through but I do know the power and strength one receives when grief is given the time and space to be expressed.
What has your grief journey been like? Have you ever wanted to give up because no one seemed to understand or appreciate what you were going through? You’re not alone with that feeling.
Three Reasons Why Validation Matters While Grieving
In the words of author John Eldredge,
Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered.
My hope is that you will not grow discouraged because you are being pressured to suck it up and move on. There is no moving on — there is moving through and being with.
So here are three reasons why validation matters when you are on the difficult journey of grief. Validation matters because…
1. Your grief needs to be heard and honored
There are three needs of the griever: To find the words for the loss, to say the words aloud and to know that the words have been heard.
— Victoria Alexander
Giving your grief a voice all throughout your grief journey is important but especially in the beginning. It’s then when the volume and intensity of your grief is so loud and needs to be expressed.
I don’t know why some people can be so insensitive to those who grieve. Minimizing your grief with words like, “Just get over it.” “Move on.” “There’s nothing you can do about it so let it go.”
Wrong answer!
At 1:30 am on the morning of May 14, 2020, I woke up to my alarm to give my wife Vicky her pain medication. She was dying and we knew she wouldn’t be with us much longer.
That early morning of May 14th will forever be etched in my memory.
I went over to her bed with the syringe in hand, but noticed no heavy breathing and no heartbeat. She was gone.
As the family gathered in the room, there was this need to hold this moment with a sacred reverence. We sat there and heard each other speak and validate what we were feeling and experiencing.
This validation continued for days and weeks. You need your grief validated for as long as necessary.
Create space for those you can trust with your grief. Distance yourself from the minimizers and don’t feel guilty for doing it.
Secondly, validation matters because…
2. You need to be cared for by people who will let you be real, raw, and wrecked
Not everyone can handle real and raw. Not everyone is comfortable when you are an emotional wreck because your heart has been broken.
When a person does not have people who are OK when you’re not OK, it takes courage to find them. When I was feeling the need to tell my story, I would test the waters of empathy by putting a bit of my story out there and see what happened. If they seemed interested, I would tell them more.
The risk was worth it because I found even strangers who cared and encouraged me to validate my grief.
The kind of people you’re looking for are those who can sit with you in silence and when they do speak, do so without cliches or trite sayings intended to cheer you up.
When the grief is raw, you don’t want poetry or Bible verses — you want a person’s presence. When grief is raw, you need space to cry, feel nothing, say nothing, or be frozen in place.
When I was grieving, I looked for eye contact, the nod of the head. If someone didn’t change the subject once I started telling my story, I kept going.
You are a beautiful person when you can be real, raw and wrecked.
Thirdly, validation matters because…
3. It’s the waste land you must get through if you hope to live again
At the beginning of your grief journey, you don’t see very far ahead and it feels like a desolate desert. Validation gives you permission to be a mess. Validation allows you to slow down and be with your sadness and emotional turmoil.
As important as having your mess validated, it’s helpful to know that it won’t always be that way. There is hope and light at the end of your dark tunnel.
That glimmer of hope came for me from a friend. He had lost his wife to cancer three years earlier and was one of my empathetic witnesses. He was also a grief mentor to me.
As a mentor, he gave me words of hope in the middle of validating my grief — that at the time was fresh and very painful. He said, “A year from now, the pain will be a lot less.”
In a very subtle yet impactful way, I never forgot that. It didn’t lessen my pain in that moment, but it gave me hope that this waste land was not the end of the story.
To grieve well you must welcome the waste land of your grief journey and consider the possibility that you get back to living some day.
Tips on How to Support Validation of Your Grief and the Grief of Others
1. Give yourself and others permission to grieve.
You don’t have to wait for others to validate your grief. Look in the mirror and speak words of validation to you. We talk to ourselves all the time. Make the words you say to yourself formative for affirming and supporting your own grief.
2. Look for people who are comfortable with your mess.
The right kind of people will validate your grief for you. It’s those empathetic witnesses who will understand and give space for you to express your grief.
3. Say yes to the wasteland of grief or pay the cost of unresolved grief
If you fight against the wasteland, you’ll end up with unresolved grief that results in symptoms like depression, heart disease, chronic grief, illness, relationship conflict, and lack of inner peace. There is no shortcut to living again.
4. Journal your way through the wilderness
A practice that anyone who is able to write can do is journaling. In the wilderness, a great way to validate your grief is to write everything down. Write down your thoughts, feelings, insights, musings. Keep it private to encourage bold and authentic honesty.
Reflect
What loss have you experienced that needs to be validated and space to be expressed?
How can you validate your grief?
Who are your empathetic witnesses who can be present with you in your grief?
