19 Grief Tips for the Griever and Grief Companion
Next week I will walk into a room with about a dozen people who are coming to a place they hope is safe and will support them as they grieve. It’s a regular group I lead for Hospice and I always come away moved by their stories and grateful I get to be part of their healing journey.
As I anticipate the start of another group, I reflect back when I was at the lowest point of my grief and what that was like. I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learned and continue to learn about grief. This may connect with you is you’re grieving right now but it may also keep you grounded in the reality of those in your life you are wanting to support in their grief.
I’m a student of grief and bereavement. I have my own experience having been met by a wide variety of loss and each time, learned while grieving. I also feel called to support those who grieve as well as those who support the grieving. I want this list of things I’ve learned and tips for those who companion the grieving to encourage and support you in your life regardless of what you are currently going through.
What I’ve Learned About Healthy Grief
While on a detour (figuratively) after my motorcycle accident in 2011, I used to say I was attending TU. TU stood for Trial University. As hard as that sounds, it was but the learning I gleaned helped turn that adversity into an opportunity that made me a deeper and more compassionate person.
After you read my list of learnings, create a list of your own and send me any you’d like to share.
While grieving, I learned to…
…face, process and deal with emotions as soon as they show up instead of running from them
…avoid telling people I was fine
…increase my emotional awareness and gain understanding from what was happening in me
…avoid long term distractions and embrace short term distractions that helped me dose my grief
…remove expectations, entitlement, and the sense that had had been wronged
…find the positive in the situation — while holding space for the brutal facts
…sit with my pain and accept suffering as part of life
…invite my friends and family to share memories of the person or “thing” I’d lost
…seek help when I got stuck and after I had exhausted the regular means of healing
…say yes to self-care knowing it was selfish but a matter of survival
How to Help People Grieve Well
If you aren’t grieving a loss yourself, chances are you know someone who has had a loss and you want to support them as best as your can. Since I’m doing next week as I facilitate the grief group, it’s something I’m thinking about and want to support you as you come alongside those who grieve in your circle of influence.
While others are grieving, you can support them by…
…being comfortable when they face, learn to process, and deal with raw emotion
…reminding them it’s OK to admit they are hurting and feel the pain of loss
…facilitating their ability to increase awareness and understanding of what is happening
…not being too nosy about what happened and every detail of their grief journey
…removing any expectation of the way grief is “suppose” to look but supporting the idea that grief is messy and different for everyone
…allowing them to ask why without feeling ashamed or wrong for doing so
…letting them lead the conversation and asking questions that encourage their stories and not your own
…invite them to celebrate the past and add your own memories of the person or “thing” that was lost
…offering to help them in specific ways versus as a vague generality like “If you ever need anything, let me know.”
Final Food for Thought
It is how we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction, and the impact of our lives. — Gerald L. Sittser
Loss is not something that keeps happening to you; it is an event. You get to decide when you want to step back into life. — Christina Rasmussen
Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. — Earl Grollma
