How to See Grief as a Learning Journey
The thought hit me right after Vicky died, “I have no idea what I’m doing!”
What did I do next? Beside feel overwhelmed and lost, it occurred to me, “I need to go to school. I need to learn how to get through what I’m going through.”
I treated this challenge with the same curiosity I brought to the other areas of my life where I needed to learn and grow. Even though the progress was painfully slow, I found books, articles, stories, letters, and teachers who gave me handles to hold onto and allowed me to take one baby step at a time.
Seeing grief as a process of learning is key. I like what Cath Duncan says.
I’ve found it really useful to see grief as simply a process of learning. Sure, it’s probably the steepest learning curve you’ve ever been on, but grieving and learning to live wholeheartedly after loss is also a lot like the many other things that you’ve learned to do. And because I love learning, thinking of grieving as a process of learning helps me feel more resourceful and confident in my grief journey. — Cath Duncan, Social Worker and Psychologist
What does it mean to see grief as a process of learning? Here are three ideas that helped me frame my learning journey.
Three Ways to See [and DO] Grief as a Learning Journey
1. Approach your grief like a child learning to walk
A child goes through various stages when learning how to walk. They start out not even aware that walking is something they can do. Crawling is all they know. Then one day, they realize that walking could help them get places faster. With that new awareness they try it out and fall on their face.
Eventually, with several failed attempts and some coaching from parents, they take their first step and eventually a series of steps. Eventually, they walk across and the room and before you know it, they are running all over.
The same happens when learning to grieve. You start out prior to your loss unaware of the need to learn how to grieve. Then when your loss happens, you become aware that you don’t know how to grieve, like I did, and start looking for clues on how to do it. You find help, guidance, and support to take your first steps.
Eventually, as you keep learning and growing, you learn to walk out your grief over time grow in strength and ability. It’s still painful (because it is grief after all!) but it’s more familiar.
I learned to grieve by reading, watching people, listening, learning, and falling down from time to time. I applied what I learned and started to find my legs and walk forward.
Approaching your grief like a child creates a teachable spirit and readiness for growth.
2. Adopt a growth mindset and abandon any fixed mindset you might have
A fixed mindset is the belief that you have what you need in your box of tools to handle what you’re facing. A growth mindset says, “I don’t have a tool for that but I’ll figure it out and learn what I need to know to grow through it.” I first heard of this distinction from Carol Dweck in her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
A growth mindset gives you the inner motivation to find people who can help you — mentors, authors, and resourceful friends. A growth mindset is like a seed of belief that whispers, “There’s a way through this some how. You just need to find it.”
If I had fallen for the limiting belief that whispered, “You should know how to handle this already. What’s wrong with you?” I would have wallowed in my shame and not grown through my loss.
I chose to listen to the voice that whispered, “Go ahead into this dark room. People will come along to mentor you and help you find the light switch.”
The experience of not knowing for a person with a growth mindset is a little scary but not paralyzing. On the contrary, if you believe you should already know, the fear and shame can paralyze you.
A fixed mindset says, “Time will heal.” A growth mindset says, “Time alone won’t heal, but time plus empathetic people plus a learning posture will.”
3. Apply what you’re learning and grow a heart of wisdom
To learn and not to do is really not to learn. To know and not to do is really not to know. — Stephen Covey
I’ve been a reader for years — ever since a mentor whet my appetite in my late teens. I collect books, read books of all types, and seek to apply what I learn as quickly as possible. Thankfully, if you’re not a reader, there are many other modes of learning you can use like podcasts, videos, documentaries, and audiobooks — to name a few.
Part of applying what you’re learning is knowing your learning style. Do you learn visually, by hearing, by reading, or kinesthetically (a hands on approach)?
Often people have a combination of styles. I learn by listening, by reading, and kinesthetically. When I take notes on what I’m reading or listening to, it sticks a lot better.
Where does wisdom fit into this? Wisdom is gained when you bring knowledge together with your experience. Wisdom is gained when the new ideas you are hearing are put into practice and become part of your experience.
It looks something like this: Knowledge X Experience = Wisdom.
Final Thought
Learning while grieving is anything but easy. I’ve learned that first hand and seen in those I mentor and support. There are no easy solutions to doing the hard work of grieving thorough. You must gain an education with empathetic friends walking beside you to grief well.
Whether you are on your grief journey now or walking with someone else who is grieving, be like a child, adopt a growth mindset, and as you put into practice what you’re learning, grow a heart of wisdom.
