Three Ways to Loosen the Grip of Fear After a Loss
One of the emotional reactions when experiencing loss is to feel fear. Fear triggers a flight or flight response and feels like anxiety and agitation because of some danger or pain that you are experiencing.
If fear is your experience, how do you face it? How do you respond to the threat or the anxiety you are feeling because of the pain and disturbance you are experiencing?
When my wife Vicky died, I had a host of fears press down on me. I was afraid of my future. How will I cope without her? I was afraid that I would forget about her and the life we had together? I was afraid that those who loved her would be devastated and not be able to deal with her loss.
More than anything, I needed a pathway to help me deal with the fear and move through the anxiety to a better place. Looking back, here are three ways I framed my fear so it did not maintain it’s grip on me.
Three Ways to Loosen the Grip of Fear After a Loss
1. Realize that fear while grieving is normal
I was reminded that there are several reasons why a person becomes afraid after a loss: uncertainty; loss of control; being isolated; and a fear that more loss might be coming.
I learned that it’s not unusual to become afraid of your own death after losing someone you love to death. Children who lose a parent are often afraid their second parent will be next.
How did it help to know fear is normal? For starters, it helps you realize that you’re not alone which can have a calming affect. Secondly, if others are dealing with it, just maybe one of those people has found a solution to the problem.
There’s a second way to loosen the grip of fear.
2. Learn to save your energy for legitimate fears or concerns
The majority of the time, the things we fear are not actually real threats or dangerous. Learn to use your FEAR detector to know if it’s true fear or False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.).
The statistics say this to those prone to worry (which so often accompanies fear):
40% — we worry about will never happen
30% — we worry about past events we can’t change
12% — we worry about the criticism from others
10% — we worry about our health (which gets worse with stress)
8% — we worry about real issues that have solutions
So you might be worrying or afraid of something that isn’t even a real threat. Test your assumptions and determine if what you fear is real and ask instead, “What’s an alternative explanation for the belief I have right now?”
Talking to a friend can help get your false assumptions out in the open so you can more clearly see the true picture. There is a third way to loosen the grip of fear.
3. Take small steps towards your fears and stay open to learning
Henry Cloud gives some good advice on what it looks like to take small steps in the direction of your growth.
Try one new thing tomorrow that you have been wanting to do, but have been too afraid to do. Notice the fear did not kill you and then see what you learn.
Earlier I mentioned my fear of losing my memories of my life with Vicky. It rattled me at first and created anxiety and fear but I decided to dance with it for a while. As time passed, I realized that the fear was False Evidence Appearing Real. I wasn’t forgetting her as time passed but the memories actually became sweeter.
When I relaxed a bit the memories of our times together came flooding back into my mind and created warm feelings. On bike rides, I’d remember the good times we had. Visiting restaurants we enjoyed together brought back pleasant memories instead of dread and anxiety.
Courage and peace have grown as I’ve stepped forward in the face of fear.
One Final Practice - the 54321 Mindfulness Trick
One practice I have used to help loosen the grip of fear is to use the 54321 mindfulness trick. Bring yourself fully into your present experience and do the following to involves your many senses.
Name 5 things you see
Name 4 things you hear
Name 3 things you feel
Name 2 things you smell
Name 1 thing you can taste
Let your mind and body become fully present with these various sights, sounds and sensory experiences and see the surprising affect it has to calm your worries and fears
For more insights on how to grieve well, check out our online course:
Discover How to Live Again After Loss
