Companioning - Respect Disorder and Ignore Logic [Part 9]
Companioning is a gift you give of empathy and support to those who grieve. It includes sitting with someone and opening up your heart to travel with them through their grief.
This series is based on Alan Wolfelt’s 11 tenets of companioning. Today’s article continues the series and looks at the eighth tenet. To review the first eight, check out my blog.
Respect Disorder and Ignore Logic
The ninth tenet of companioning says: Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.
When a person experiences significant loss, chaos and confusion invades your life. A grief companion does not go to work and try to help the mourner understand or figure out how to make things better.
They sit with the confusion. They trust the process of grief — that disorientation will eventually make way to a reorientation once again.
Grief begins in the heart not in the head. It’s confusing and disorienting. It requires the mourner to practice self-compassion as the uncomfortable symptoms of grief roll over them.
The Disorder of Grief
“Disorder and confusion is a time of waiting, a time of paralysis, a time when the world doesn’t make sense in the way it did before the death. The mourner may experience a sense of restlessness, agitation, impatience, and ongoing confusion.” — Alan Wolfelt
Life’s tasks that normally are easy to complete no longer seem to matter. You find it difficult to finish what you start or stay focused on any one thing. You can feel drained and long for things to return to the way they used to be.
Unfortunately, many grieving people do not allow themselves to surrender to the chaos and disorder. They are tempted to run away or minimize the need to sit in the uncomfortable place of grief. The companion supports what’s needed.
The Impostor's Logic Used to Short-circuit Grief
There are three ways logic tries to avoid the uncomfortable presence of disorder and confusion.
Impostor #1: The impact of the loss wasn’t that bad
This is where the person believes they are doing better than they actually are. After all, they are back into a normal routine and on a conscious level, seem to be getting over their loss and moving on.
The problem is, according to Alan Wolfelt, “internally the repressed feelings of grief build and emotional and spiritual strain — soul symptoms — result.”
Impostor #2: Grief is to be thought through not felt through
When words become a substitute for the process of expressing authentic emotion, healthy grieving is interrupted. Confusion is a threat to the urgency that sometimes surfaces by those who want to prematurely overcome grief.
Unfortunately, the more this person works to convince herself that the feelings of grief have been overcome, the more crippled she becomes in allowing for emotional and spiritual expression. The result is often a destructive, vicious cycle. — Alan Wolfelt
Impostor #3: Grief doesn’t need to go on for that long
If you expect grief to be over too quickly, you’re focusing on the wrong thing. There is no one time line for how long grief lasts. It’s different for everyone and needs the space to be messy, chaotic, and not put onto a time line.
Those who mourn need patient and empathetic companions to walk alongside them at whatever pace is required to navigate the journey.
Final Thought
M. Scott Peck reminds us that often the answers and help we seek come out of those moments of discomfort and chaos.
The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.
For more insights on how to grieve well, check out our online course:
Discover How to Live Again After Loss
