The Power of Validating Your Grief
Validating your grief matters.
When your grief is validated it’s authenticated, affirmed, supported, and testified to. It occurs when a grieving person is listened to, allowed to tell their story as many times as necessary, and when time and space is created for feelings to be expressed freely.
If you have grown discouraged because no one understands or appreciates what you are going through, it might be the much needed validation that’s missing.
Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. — John Eldredge
Three Reasons Why Validation Matters
1. Validation matters because your grief needs to be heard and honored
There are three needs of the griever: To find the words for the loss, to say the words aloud and to know that the words have been heard. — Victoria Alexander
Giving your grief a voice throughout your grief journey is important but especially in the beginning.
I don’t know why certain people can be so insensitive to those who grieve. Sometimes people don’t know what to say because they have not known grief or are just not educated in the school of mourning.
If someone says to you words or phrases like, “Just get over it,” “Move on,” and “There’s nothing you can do about it so let it go,” don’t let the words stick. You do need to be heard and do not need to move on.
When I made room to validate my thoughts and feelings during the depths of my sorrow, without realizing it, I was honoring my grief and taking baby steps. I gave myself permission to distance myself from the minimizers and got cozy with empathetic witnesses.
2. Validation matters because you need to be cared for by people who will let you be real, raw, and wrecked
Not everyone can handle real and raw. Not everyone is comfortable in the presence of someone with a broken heart.
But some people are. Find those people.
When I felt the need to tell my story, I tested the waters for empathy with a sample size of my story. Then, if empathy came back in my directions, I told more of my story.
The risk was worth it because I did find strangers and friends who cared and encouraged me to legitimize my grief.
Look for people who will sit with you in silence and when they do speak, do so without cliches or trite sayings intended to cheer you up.
When the grief is raw, you don’t want poetry or Bible verses — you want a person’s presence and space to cry or say nothing.
When I was grieving, I looked for eye contact and the nod of the head. I looked for someone who wouldn’t change the subject once I started telling my story.
You are a beautiful person when you can be real, raw and wrecked.
3. Validation matters because it’s the waste land you must go through to get to a place of living again
At the beginning of my grief journey, I didn’t see very far ahead of me and it felt like a desolate desert.
Having my grief endorsed gave me permission to be a mess, slow down, and be with my sadness and emotional turmoil.
As important as having your mess validated, it’s also helpful to know it won’t last forever. There is hope that a light is shining at the end of your dark tunnel — and it’s not a train!
When a friend of mine who had lost his wife to cancer a few years before me told me it won’t always be so hard, I doubted him. But as the months passed, the pain did subside and I did learn to eventually live again.
As I look back on that conversation, I see now how important it was to both welcome the waste land of grief but also consider the possibility that it wasn’t the end of the story.
Tips on How to Support Grief Validation
1. Give yourself permission to grieve
Look yourself in the mirror and say, “It’s OK that I’m not OK right now.”
2. Look for people who are comfortable with your mess
Empathetic witnesses will feel with you and give space for you to express your grief.
3. Say yes to the wasteland of grief or pay the price of unresolved grief
Grieve deeply and avoid symptoms like depression, heart disease, chronic grief, illness, relationship conflict, and lack of inner peace.
4. Journal your way through the wilderness
Writing your thoughts and feelings down supports thorough grief.
Ready for More Grief Mentoring?
I invite you to pick up a copy of my new book Unlocking the Mystery of Grief that is written in a way that is personal, easy to digest, and filled with tools to help you grieve thorough and go from simply surviving to thriving.
You may have a grieving friend who needs their grief validated, be mentored as they grieve, and be reminded that they are not alone in their suffering. You may be the link to throw them a life line and help them heal.
