How to Transition from Survivor to Thriver

Two very different traveling companions will find you or be found by you on your grief journey. One is called Survivor. The other one is called Thriver.

On my way to discovering how to live again after my loss, I learned how to say goodbye to Survivor and hello to Thriver. Survivor was very handy to have around for a while but eventually it was the very companion I needed to say good bye to if I was ever going to live again.

Making Sense of Survivor and Thriver

Think of these two traveling companions as drivers of the car of your life. With Survivor driving, you will be sure to stay safe, drive the speed limit, and not venture too far away from home.

When Thriver takes the wheel, life gets a little more exciting. You don’t stay as close to home and venture out on new adventures from time to time.

Survivor will keep you in process mode and focused on your loss and the parts of your life that will never be the same again. Thriver, on the other hand, will open up your life to new possibilities, new dreams, a new identity and what has not even been discovered.

Survivor keeps your life small. Thriver takes you on a life giving adventure and gives you permission to find a new purpose, new identity, new people, and imagine a new future self.

The transition from one driver to the other is critical. Survivor must be let go so you can fully embrace the guidance of Thriver.

You know you are letting Thriver drive your life if you can describe your life as joy filled with exciting possibilities. If you are stuck in your suffering, pain and discomfort, you are continuing to let Survivor drive your life.

How I Transitioned from Survivor to Thriver*

This process isn’t quick or easy and will look different for everyone. I don’t know how this process will look for you but I can tell you my story.

Phase 1: I Learned to appreciate my Survivor but eventually let him go

I embraced my Survivor when Vicky died. There was no way to thrive when wave upon wave of grief washed over me.

Survivor was the part of my brain that kicked in to high gear when I was overwhelmed with grief. I needed help to pull back and process what was happening and Survivor encouraged me to do that. Surviving was all I could do — and it was what I needed to do.

It was important for me to go down into my grief so I would fully experience and express all the emotions and reactions I was having.

Eventually, the time to let go arrived. How did I know it was time to let go? I’m not exactly sure but I did hear a voice inside my head that said, “Do you think you’ve been surviving long enough now? Don’t you think it’s time to start to moving towards living again?”

It was time to let Survivor go when my my future self started to have a stronger pull on my life. Survivor said, “Wait a minute. You’re not ready. It’s too dangerous out there. You might get hurt.”

I didn’t fight Survivor but said a big thank you for his service then sent him off to a beach in Jamaica for a leisurely vacation. I sent him far enough away so he couldn’t come back too quickly or easily.

Phase 2: I took a walk down memory lane in order to locate my Thriver

As I made the transition to giving space to Thriver, I activated my imagination. It felt weird at first but once I got into it, it was very helpful in making the transition journey.

At this point in the process, Survivor was on vacation so he was no longer calling the shots. With that in mind, I had more freedom to go searching for Thriver. Where did I look? In the places when and where I felt most alive in my life. I got historical!

I looked into past relationships. What relationships did I enjoy? Who were the people that made me feel most alive? Who made me smile and laugh? Who inspired me?

I looked into the times I was creative. What did I enjoy creating in the past? What projects did I enjoy working on? What were my hobbies?

I looked at past physical activities. Did I like to hike, be in nature, go to the gym, ski, ride a bike, go fishing?

I wrote down everything that came to mind.

The process gave Thriver permission to speak and walk with me down memory lane.

With Survivor fitting on the beach in Jamaica, my brain was freed up to imagine and create new possibilities. Old memories were shaken loose. Past experiences took on new meaning.

I appreciated Survivor but I didn’t take him with me down memory lane. He would have kept me from venturing into new territory and taking the risk attached to living again.

Phase 3: I activated the three expressions of my Thriver

It wasn’t enough to walk down memory lane and find my Thriver. I needed to cross the bridge from my past into my present and beyond. I had to let Thriver take the steering wheel of my life if I was to find the motivation to bring into the present the people, creative projects, and physical activities that would help me live again.

This process didn’t travel in a straight line but all over the place. It was more like a dance than a walk with lots of experimentation along the way. I also realized that Survivor won’t stay on that beach forever but would reappear with doubts and fears.

All I did was notice him, thank him for his service, and send him back to the beach so I could keep walking forward with Thriver.

The People, Creativity and Activities that Helped Me Thrive

Let me open up a door to show you in more detail how I used the three expressions to shift from Survivor to Thriver. My hope is that this example will spark some ideas for you if you are stuck in Survivor mode.

• People

I wrote down a list of names of the people who inspired me and made me fell alive. Then I reached out and connected with them. I also invited new people into my life who were easy to be with, shared my values, and made me feel alive.

• Creativity

I stopped writing for 15 months after Vicky died. Then during this shifting process, I realized I was ready to write again. Since then, I haven’t stopped and it continues to give me life.

• Activities

I realized quickly how much life cycling gave to me. It was an activity that helped me grieve as well as opened up the door for Thriver to reenter. An added bonus was that it created a place where I could thrive and connect with people.

Reflection Questions

• Where are you in your relationship with Survivor and Thriver?

• What’s the value of embracing Survivor when you first experience loss?

• Who are the people, creative pursuits, and activities that help you thrive?

*Source: This idea comes from Christina Rasmussen, Second Firsts. I’ve adapted it for my own use but give her the credit for showing me the way.