The Livingston School of Grief
A man acquainted with grief is Gordon Livingston. His name may be new to you but I wanted to share some of his thoughts that I have found so helpful. Livingston, besides being a best selling author, is a parent who has lost two children, one to suicide and one to leukemia.
As he describes his experience with grief, he instruct and gives us hope. I’ve included some of my own reflections along with his words as you grief or support those in your life who are grieving.
What About Closure?
Like all who mourn I learned an abiding hatred for the word “closure,” with its comforting implications that grief is a time-limited process from which we all recover. The idea that I could reach a point when I would no longer miss my children was obscene to me and I dismissed it. I had to accept the reality that I would never be the same person, that some part of my heart, perhaps the best part, had been cut out and buried with my sons. What was left? Now there was a question worth contemplating. — Gordon Livingston*
It’s so tempting to wish for an end point to our grief. Livingston reminds us that closure isn’t very helpful because it implies that grief ends or has a close. Grief is not that — it continues in various forms.
What also doesn’t help when grieving is to fixate on the wrong ideas. If you’re hung up on questions like “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” the attention is on what’s been cut out and what’s been lost which short circuits grief.
A much better question is, “What’s left?” or “What can I do with what I have now?”
There’s No Way Around It
What I learned is that there is no way around it (grief); you just have to go through it. In that journey I experienced hopelessness, contemplated suicide, and learned that I was not alone. — Gordon Livingston
If you fall for the myth that says, “Grief can be avoided” or “There must be a shortcut to this grief some where,” you’ll end up stuck or in a place you don’t want to be. The only way to deal with grief thoroughly is to go through it. That includes going through the emotion, the chaotic thoughts, and the troubling behaviors.
Words Are All We Have
Certain that there could be no comfort in words, I came to realize that words, my own and those of others, were all I had to frame my experience, first my despair and finally a fragile belief that my life still had meaning. — Gordon Livingston
What about all the words? Do they play a part in the grief journey? Definitely.
It’s words that empathetic witnesses listen to. It’s the stories we tell with words that need to be told over and over again until the story teller is finished speaking. Words help us frame our experience and eventually open us up to new awareness, new pathways to healing and meaning making.
Reflect
When you consider your grief, what do you have left to focus on?
What makes going through grief worth it?
What part do words play in your grief journey or in those you are supporting in grief?
*All quotes are taken from Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Gordon Livingston
