Grief’s Classroom: Lessons & Reflections

Grief is hard.

Grief is surprising.

Grief changes us.

Grief is unpredictable.

Grief is painful.

Grief can be interrupted by joy at unsuspecting times.

Grief is something we do alone.

Grief is easier when shared with others.

Grief comes and goes throughout life.

Grief and the sadness we feel isn’t the end of the story.

Reflecting on Why I Write

As I ponder with you the grief journey, I’m also reflecting on why I write on grief. I realize that you who read my words have different places from which you come. Many of you have felt the sting of loss and come looking for some comfort and support for your journey. Others of you are here because you want to be a better empathetic witness to those in your life who are grieving.

Why do I show up with stories and lessons and thoughts on grief and loss?

1. I write because it helps me.

I don’t want to live in a hand-me-down world of others’ experiences. I want to write about me, my discoveries, my fears, my feelings, about me. - Helen Keller

When I write, it comes out of my own processing and learning. Everything I talk about has passed through the filter of my own experience. Often my thoughts and ideas start as a journal entry then make their way into these messages that are sent out to you.

2. I write because I want to help others.

Early on after Vicky’s death, people told me, “You are mentoring us in grief. We are learning to grieve by watching you.” Those words were humbling and stirred up gratitude for what was taking place, but it was never my intention to try and help others. Over time, however, I became strong enough to begin sharing my story with others.

I’m not an expert in the grief journey that others travel. What I try to do is tell my story and share lessons that will encourage and inspire others to have hope and keep going when the going is tough.

3. I write because I want to strengthen empathy in others.

For those of you who are cheering grieving people on, I want you to grow in awareness of the grief journey so you can sit with people and have greater understanding and love.

You will be the best version of yourself for others when you listen without giving advice. Empathy shared changes us. Empathy received while grieving makes mourning (grief turned outward) and healing possible.

Five Lessons Worth Repeating

Let me end with five lessons worth repeating.

1. Healing can happen while memories remain.

You don’t forget those you loved who are no longer with you. You cherish the memories while at the same time can heal from a broken heart.

2. Empathetic witnesses are essential.

We are social creatures and even though there is the solitary journey of grief, there is also the need for companions who hear our stories, listening without probing, and walk with us through in the darkness.

3. Grief will surprise you but requires your attention.

The emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical reactions to grief are too numerous to name. The only way to grieve is to sit with the pain long enough knowing that eventually it will recede and lessen over time.

4. Reading good books and listening to people talk about grief can help.

When grieving, we don’t know what we don’t know. Ideas that will help us re-frame our grief experience will awaken us to what’s possible and provide a pathway forward.

5. Survival doesn’t need to be the end of the story.

It’s not quick or easy to move from survivor mode (the natural and necessary response to loss) to thriver mode. Living again and thriving is possible after is feels like all is lost.

Reflection Questions

• What motivates you to read these thoughts on grief?

• What lesson resonates with you?