Three Ways to Grow Your Adaptability
The journey of Superman character Christopher Reeves is an amazing story of adaptability and resiliency. Thrown off his horse in 1995 in an equestrian accident, he found himself paralyzed from the neck down. Shortly after his accident, he seriously considered ending his life.
Fortunately he was coaxed off the ledge of his despair and in time, found a new purpose. He ended up impacting the world with his research and show by his example what resiliency and adaptability are all about.
After Vicky died I was came to a fork in the road — do I fight this new reality as unacceptable or do I learn to adapt and grow in response to my loss? I embraced the opportunity to use the adaptability quotient I did have and grow it even more with each passing day.
The question is, how do you treat adaptability as your friend not as your foe when you’re on the tumultuous roller coaster of grief? How do you actually grow your adaptability while grieving? Here are some ideas for you to consider.
Three Ways to Grow Your Adaptability While Grieving and in Life
1. Embrace a dance with the rest attitude
After my motorcycle accident in 2011, I started writing about the experience I was living on that most unexpected detour. The writing became therapy as the waiting became my reality. As I sat for weeks and months in my recliner, I learned and helped others with their difficulties.
I came up with a motto I used on my blog — “Hope for the best and dance with the rest.” I believed that I would recover but while I waited, I danced with the adversity and the surprises that kept coming my way.
When Vicky was diagnosed with kidney cancer, we hoped for the best (prayed for healing, looked for medical answers, believed it could be treated). We also prepared for the worst — including the possibility that her life would be cut short here on earth and her ultimate healing would be reserved for heaven.
We hoped for the best but danced with the rest. The dance became painful and slow until she breathed her last and passed away peacefully in the middle of the night.
Adapting while grieving isn’t easy but you can make it worse by not thinking the waves won’t hit you or being completely unprepared for what could happen. Adaptability is an attitude that says, “Everything won’t be sunshine and roses.”
2. Unlearn what’s not working
The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. — Alvin Toffler
We enter the grief journey with all kinds of ideas. Those ideas have come from our parents, our culture, and the people we have been exposed to.
What if some of what we know and believe doesn’t help? How do we unlearn what isn’t helping us and relearn what may in fact be some brand new ideas that will help us live a better way?
It’s like desiring a hot cup of coffee but realizing that the cup you’re holding is filled with lukewarm coffee. You have to pour out the lukewarm coffee and only then refill the cup with the fresh hot coffee. If you don’t, it just won’t be right.
Old ideas that don’t work must be unlearned and written over by new and fresh ideas.
For example, if you come to a season of loss thinking “suffering is not normal and should be avoided at all cost!” — your cup is filled with a lukewarm idea.
You have to unlearn a very unhelpful idea and replace it with a new idea that will serve you much better. The new idea in this case might sound like what Helen Keller said when reflecting on her suffering.
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. — Helen Keller
3. Experiment with new dance moves
Adaptability requires experimentation, exploration, and creativity. To learn a new perspective requires some new dance moves.
After Vicky died, I was numb and found motivating myself very difficult. Eventually, however, I started to explore some new dance moves. I slowly but surely found people to spend time with, changed my routines, and re-framed how I saw myself.
I remember the day I took off my wedding ring — it was me experimenting with a new dance move. When I told my daughter, she was less than impressed. I said to her, “The reason I’m doing this is because I’m no longer married and this ring represents that commitment I made to your Mom until separated by death.”
Then I added a thought that seemed to help the conversation take a turn for the better. “If I wake up tomorrow and feel the need to put the ring back on, I will do that. It’s totally reversible.”
I never did put the ring back on.
Five questions to help you strengthen your adaptability
Take these questions to your journal and spend some time strengthening your adaptability muscles.
1. What grief myth do you need to stop believing in?
A few grief myth examples:
You can’t grieve the loss of someone who’s still alive
If you avoid grief and keep a stiff upper lip, it will eventually go away
When kids are involved, it’s important to stay strong and focus all your attention on their grief
Grief has an endpoint
Time heals all wounds
Women grieve more than men
Men don’t want to talk about their grief
If you still display photos of your loved one after five years it means you’re stuck
Someone who has experienced the same type of loss will understand what you’re going through
Grief follows a similar path and time line for everyone
2. If you found a myth, what’s a truth statement you can use instead of the myth?
3. What does embracing a dance with the rest attitude look like for you?
4. What do you need unlearn because it’s no longer working for you?
5. What’s one new dance move you can experiment with that you would call good grief?
