In the past five weeks, both my father and father-in-law have died. The grief has been real but very different from the grief I experienced when Vicky died.

My dad’s Celebration of Life was a wonderful time of celebrating his life, finding comfort in his death, remembering his legacy, and spending time with family and friends who knew and loved him.

The day before I returned home was when I received the news that my other dad (Eugene Parkins) had died. He has been in my life for almost 45 years as a friend, mentor, and father-in-law for most of that time.

I’m so grateful for the empathetic witnesses I have in my life but I’ve also encountered some unhelpful comments. Because both my dads were older (92 and 88), sometimes I get the feeling by people’s comments that they think the loss is easier when someone is older. Words like, “They lived a full life,” or “At least they didn’t suffer too long,” can reduce the much needed empathy for a grieving person.

People don’t know what your grief is life and need to keep their assumptions to themselves.

I want to share the Griever’s Bill of Rights* which I’ve adapted from the work of Alan Wolfelt. I need these 10 reminders. If you are grieving like I am, we have a right (not in a weird or activist sort of way) or a genuine need for certain things to take place to help us grieve well.

This list is for both the person grieving and for those seeing to support a grieving person. If you know what a grieving person needs, you’ll be that empathetic witness who throws a life line to the person who grieves.

10 Rights a Grieving Person Needs Protected in Order to Grieve Well

1. You have the right to experience grief in your unique way

Everyone grieves differently and needs to be allowed to grieve the way that works for them. Any time someone says, “You should grieve this way!” don’t listen to them. Pick up ideas that are helpful but don’t let others put you in their box.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief

Talking about your loss is essential if you’re going to heal. People will try to shut you down because they think you should be done talking by now. Don’t let them. Look for people who will let you talk until you no longer need to talk.

3. You have the right to feel any number of emotions

Shock, frustration, confusion, sadness, relief, guilt, numbness are the tip of the emotional iceberg. Some will give you a short list of emotions that are normal and if you don’t feel those, you wonder what’s wrong with you.

You are normal to feel any number of emotions. Find people who will simply let you feel what you’re feeling.

4. You have the right to accept and give space to physical and emotional limits

Grief can be exhausting and reduces your band width for normal living. Listen to your body and your thoughts. Create space for sleep. Eat healthy means. Go for a walk. Avoid those who insist that you do things you may not be ready for.

5. You have the right to experience surges of grief

Grief can be like waves that one minute are ankle deep and five minutes later knock you off your feet. It can be scary and overwhelming but it’s normal. Find people who understand what you’re going through and can hold space for you.

6. You have the right to use helpful rituals

The ritual of a funeral or celebration of life is one example of a meaningful ritual on multiple levels. It remembers the life of the one who died but also provides a place for comfort, both from God (if you hold to a faith worldview) and each other. If others are telling you don’t need public rituals, they’re wrong.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality

If you are spiritual or a person of faith, express it in a way that fits who you are. Gather with people who share your beliefs and who will support you. If you are angry at God, that’s a normal response to loss. Find people who won’t judge you but will simply listen and support.

8. You have the right to search for deeper meaning

If you find yourself asking questions like, “Why this? Why now? Why me?” give yourself permission to ask those questions. Some questions will have answers while others will not. Don’t let trite and unhelpful comments stick to you. Find people who know how to empathize.

9. You have the right to hold on to your memories

Memories are so important to hold on to after someone dies. You will always remember the person you have loved. If someone tries to erase the memory of the person who died by forcing you to take down all the pictures or stop talking about them, find others who will gladly share memories with you.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and not be forced to move away from it

You don’t get over grief and if you try to walk away from it, you’ll run into it later. A better way to think about grief is to learn to reconcile your grief and integrate it into your life. Grief is a process not an event. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Reflection Questions

What right do you need to hear and take to heart in your grief?
If you’re supporting someone who is grieving, what does this list say to you?

*Adapted from the Mourner’s Bill of Rights, by Alan Wolfelt

10 Rights a Grieving Person Needs Protected